Bernanke Translation

As Bernanke briefs Congress for a second day, it is obvious that Congress speaks a different language than the Fed Chairman. They simply do not appear to hear what he is saying, so I will translate.

“The intensification of financial stress in recent weeks, which will make lenders still more cautious about extending credit to households and business, could prove a significant drag on growth.”

Translation: The economy will come to a screeching halt within days if you don’t do something NOW. Banks will hoard their cash, because they can see that businesses everywhere might start to fail like Wall Street giants. People could begin losing jobs in a manner approaching the Great Depression, unless you guys act NOW. People will stop spending and the situation will get worse and worse, until we are in a major recession. This will spread across the globe like a financial red tide. People will line the streets like a lynch mob, calling for the people responsible to be punished. Eventually, the punishment will spread to the members of Congress who blocked government oversight into Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. This will spill over to the heads of financial committees, such as the ones that are hearing me now, and I will not lift a finger to save your sorry asses if we all go down. You need to act NOW.

“The downside risks to the outlook thus remain a significant concern.”

Translation: We are standing on the brink of a financial disaster unless you mover your butts to quell the liquidity crunch. I have done all I can to fix this thing, but I am hampered by laws that only you can fix. You need to fix this NOW.

“Economic activity appears to have decelerated broadly.”

Translation: We are in deep crap and it is going to pile so high that we might all get smothered. Recession is the least of my worries. I worry that this thing will snowball so out of control that our nation will look like an old Steel Mill or Dustbowl town. We need to act NOW.

“Stabilization of our financial system is an essential precondition for economic recovery.”

Translation: Until Congress does something to break the credit gridlock, our economy will sink deeper and deeper into a recession, until this Congress will go down as the most inept in history. People in your hometown will be using newspapers with your face on dartboards and to wipe their butts. The only monument to your handling of this situation will be a Great Wall of Shame, written in textbooks saying that “you had the chance to fix this,” but you tried to swing it to your advantage, forsaking the nation in favor of your own political and personal EGO. You need to fix this NOW.

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